Our culture is littered with misleading messages about women that can make divorcing later in life challenging, mentally, emotionally and practically. I am not talking about the natural and normal grief that we all have to deal with when a marriage ends. I’m talking about the fear-provoking messages we’ve taken in for years, things you might even be saying to yourself.
Today I’m highlighting 4 of these misleading messages:
- Women need men to survive, never mind thrive (Weak)
- He’s such a good man, you should count your blessings (Gratitude)
- At your age! Are you kidding? Starting over now? (Too old)
- The Covenant: Marriage is forever … no matter what (Guilt)
Feel free to challenge these messages.
And remember … this is so important … none of these messages are yours! They were given to you. And you get to say no! You did say no.
What is underneath these 4 Misleading Messages about Women and later life divorce?
Dealing with Guilt (Challenging but not Required)
It doesn’t matter what your religious or spiritual beliefs are, the promise of ‘until death do us part’ is something you’re going to have to deal with. Simply put, you broke the covenant. You said ‘No, there is more to me, more to life, than this.’ You are entitled to say no. You are not required to stay where your heart and soul do not flourish.
Obviously, most of us don’t go into marriage thinking it’s anything other than “until [physical] death do us part.” Marriage is a commitment that creates the glue when times get tough. It’s a promise that is meant to support the welfare of children, emotionally and physically. These are good things.
Consider this. It was a covenant created at a time when humans lived far fewer than 65, 70, 80, 90 years. That’s a long time to commit to one human IF the match is not, as it turns out, generally harmonious and fulfilling. Furthermore, marriage is no longer required for survival. In the past it was far more important that the family unit stay intact.
You’re Too Weak (Not)
This is another misleading message: “Women are too weak, a woman can’t survive on her own.”
Men don’t deal with this message. No one questions their ability to make it without the help of a woman. They were raised to be adventurers, or at least given the sense that adventure is in their skill set. Women are not given the same message, almost the opposite. Despite our progress, we are still considered weaker, unable to take care of ourselves.
It’s deeply embedded in our conditioning but it’s a lie.
Women are working, and women have wickedly good social skills, making us extremely resourceful.
The most limiting factors are your health, your energy and your skill set, but that’s it. Fortunately, we can find stories of women who started expressing their genius and purpose in the “third act” phase of life.
- Täo Porchon-Lynch recommitted to her childhood yoga practice after her husband died in 1982. At the time she was 64 years old. At 98 she is still teaching yoga, 3 hip replacements and all.
- Joy Behar started her very successful career as a comedian in her mid 40’s, following her career as a teacher.
- Jane Fonda divorced Ted Turner at 62, knowing she had to get right with herself in the areas of life where she still felt insecure. You can use these women, our role models, to fuel your forward movement!
You Should be Grateful (Yes and No)
This message is closely tied to guilt. When your ex-spouse is a decent human being, it makes sense to feel gratitude for who he is. That likely made the separation and divorce easier, which IS something to be grateful for. It’s still not a reason to stay – or go back – if your differences are significant, and/or your respective needs changed.
Sometimes the promises and desires of your earlier years are not enough to carry you through to the end of your life, even if you would have preferred it, even if he is a good man.
I certainly had to deal with this. Not only is he a good person, my family liked him as well. Even though she didn’t say it outright, I sensed that my mother blamed me for our divorce. Why do I say this? When I moved to Sedona, Arizona by myself a few years before divorce was even a conversation between us, she said you me, “You’ve just made a big mistake.” Later on, after we’d officially separated she said to me, “you should be grateful.” This is a woman who confessed to me, in the same conversation, that if she’d been 10 years younger she would have divorced my Dad.
When you take a step that other people fear, it can trigger their discomfort, which can then trigger yours. How fun is that? When this happens, take a deep breath and remember. Why did you call it, why did you leave? If he called it, then reverse it; what did you overlook that you now see?
You’re Too Old (Not)
This is a biggie. Anti-aging skin products tell us it’s not Ok to age. We’ve been taking this message in for years. Then there are the sagging pieces, and the wrinkles and all the things we cover with make up, dye or clothing. Yes, you’re going to have to deal with whatever negative self-image you have.
First of all, it’s not about the outside, at least to anybody you’re going to want to be intimately involved with in the future, if you do. It’s about your energy, authenticity and your vitality. You can cultivate all three. Believe it or not, people … men … respond much more to your vitality than your skin suit. You only have to look around at couples in all shapes and sizes to know that. But when it comes to you, in those darker moments in the mirror, you might fail to see your brightness and your energy. You only see your skin suit. And, of course, you focus on THE FLAWS.
I remember a day when I was NOT feeling well at all. I’d just come off a shift at the coffee place where I worked, and was on the recovery side of a bad bout with the flu. I slowly walked to the produce section, feeling tired and not particularly energized. A man in his 30’s who I’d talked a few times in that past, looked at me and said, “god, you’re beautiful.” What?! I feel like crap and I am beautiful? Yes! Your authenticity and your essence speak volumes.
If you’re struggling with these messages, by all means, let’s dissolve them!
They need not get in the way of experiencing the joy you deserve and desire as you move into this new, exciting time. Because these message are not true, and it’s your choice to take them in … or not.